Two Bored Moms

I finally got a chance to watch the movie The Help and I can’t believe it took me so long to watch such a brilliant movie. Octavia Spencer and Viola Davies gave such sterling performances but I feel Viola Davis deserved the Oscar more than Octavia did.

This movie really got me thinking a lot, my first thought was why white people let black helpers look after their children when their hatred for blacks is so deep. Should you really trust someone you hate so much with your child? I would assume your child is number one on your most important list. I still need someone to answer this question because it really bothered me. If I hated white people with such a passion I would make sure my children were nowhere near them especially in an environment I can control like my home.

The other thought that crossed my mind was do we really do enough for our helpers? Now and again I hear people complaining about how much their helpers eat etc. Many of you can attest to this when you’re at home at the weekend or during a day off you tend to eat more. I can! Helpers spend the day at home and they’re bound to get hungry too so they tend to eat what might look to most of us “madams” as too much. I have to confess I have been one to complain about the chowing happening at my house. Helpers play a humongous role in our children’s lives, like it or not they even shape our children’s moral values, behaviour etc. We need to be careful as to how we treat our helpers their roles might seem insignificant but in actual fact their roles might be bigger than that of mothers who spend all day at work.

So mothers please that extra plate of pap for lunch should not bother you this woman/man spends the whole day with your child/children. I know at the weekend when my helper is away I barely manage running after my kids, cleaning up after them, feeding them and listening to their endless stories when I am trying to watch television. Now imagine this: someone does this job for you 5 sometimes 7 days a week and you get upset when they have one of your eggs for breakfast?  Food for thought (no pun intended).

Look after those helpers the better you treat the better they are for your children.

In  the last two months I have been asked for my opinion by two people I hold near and dear, on the eve of them getting tattooed.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am no prude, no sireee bob, not me!

BUT…

I too draw the line somewhere.

And that line is not drawn on my skin…

I look at this way, I am 30-something and my skin is at its radiant and elastic prime.

Smart money says I should enjoy this while it lasts.

If, like my ancestors, I live beyond the age of 80….. we could have a problem.

I use the analogy that a simple flower in your youth could stretch and blossom into a garden in your  old age.

There’s a school of thought that supports the notion of get something small and meaningful.

 I could easily do this..

In fact I strongly considered doing  this at least twice in my life. Thank the heavens I resisted the urge because I could well have been saddled  with a past lover’s name and a tribute to N’sync, both totally inappropriate scenarios at present.

Fear is also not a factor in my hesitance, I have survived an Enrique Iglesias concert and a C-section… Pain? I laugh in its face.

I maintain to each their own and yes, your body is a temple, go ahead and decorate…. but I have no ambition to be an 80-year-old with a tramp stamp.

The August issue of Marie Claire in South Africa features an artist impression o f Kate Middleton in a dress by a local designer. What’s wrong with it? Where do I start?

This cover has me feeling uneasy.

I am no puritan or Kate fan but what does this freely generated cover girl issue really mean?

Internationally tabloids sell by printing unsolicited covers with fictitious and often ridiculously unrelated headlines. There is a picture of the celebrity ‘A’ in tears, superimpose that image on one of celebrity ‘B’ yelling or pointing and taa daa, there you have it, a certified Hollywood feud, marriage bust up or pending divorce.

This is nothing new.

In the case of Marie Claire though, I thought things were different? I have never considered the magazine a tabloid or sales desperate by any means.  The covers have always to my knowledge been consensual whether locally generated or syndicated and said covers always linked to a refreshing or thought provoking interview or feature on said cover star.

The magazine did after all carry the tagline: ‘The Thinking Woman’s Magazine’ for the longest time.

Am I now a victim of my own expectation and sentimentality?

What worries me is the precedent set.

Firstly would Kate care to be represented in such a (garish) outfit made by a designer that she, to the best of my knowledge doesn’t even endorse?

Is this a fair representation?

Would this still be a cool use of the medium if the designer in question was for example an anti-Semitic ranting Galliano type, who I am sure Kate doesn’t identify with or possibly care to be associated with?

Also, does this now mean that getting consent from cover stars will soon be a redundant task?

I ask this because in the past many a celebrity has been ‘outed’ and ‘exposed’ in  gay publications because and possibly in the hopes of selling more copies, there have been trigger happy publishers and editors who have all too happily printed copy after copy of the unconfirmed private lives of celebrities.

Can we look forward to a plethora of artists impressions of more inaccessible stars on publications they wouldn’t ordinarily identify with alongside disclaimers about how it’s not the actual star but a photoshop version of the star and also how the accompanying article is not based on research and fact but rather reader generated fantasy?

I am glad that Marie Claire SA got the international attention, they tweeted about this with such a lot of glee and enthusiasm and this issue will undoubtedly be a top-seller so their controversial approach worked but allow me to be the voice of reason for a second here, this is not one of my favourite covers ever, let’s face it you have been way more creative in the past and I am also not looking forward to the lazy and careless copycat covers you have now undoubtedly encouraged.

So Yahoo (not sure if anyone still uses Yahoo but anyway) has appointed a new hot 37 year old FEMALE CEO Marrisa Mayer. This is the 5^th CEO yahoo has had in 5 years again is there anyone who still uses Yahoo?  What seems to be making bigger news is her pregnancy; Marissa is 6 months pregnant with her first bambino. 37? And having your first child? Is what came to my mind first I honestly don’t see myself having any children past 33. Anyway back to Marissa, this woman has just been appointed the head of a Fortune 500 company and all people can talk about is her pregnancy? Quite honestly I was shocked at the level of sexism in the main stream media, actually why am I shocked I should be used to it by now.

Does the shock going around mean that pregnant women cannot function or run companies? I was quite disturbed by all this and so I brought up the issue with my husband and to my shock and horror he seemed to agree with everyone else. His exact words “Well if I was a share holder in Yahoo I would be worried too, I mean women in Management take up to 6 months leave.”  I was literally gobsmacked but I quipped back “Well she has already said she’s not taking any leave.” Which she has said I can’t say I applaud that though.

Marissa has only been on the job for a day and she has made Yahoo more relevant than have been in the past 5 years. She was trending on twitter that’s how much of an impact Marissa has made on twitter.  Even if this is all she does during her time as CEO she has done more than enough. Yahoo had sunk into oblivion but thanks to Marissa we’re all looking to see what the pregnant female CEO will do. One twitter user even went on to say “At least now Yahoo actually has a CEO who can deliver.” Seriously?? I think I just have too much faith in humankind, mankind especially.

Yes us mummies can get Scientific too….. Well not quite! Honestly I have been trying to get a simple explanation as to what this is. I have scoured the internet like literally but I can’t find anything simple enough. In my defence I did not do Physics if I had known Physics would put me ahead in the Higgs Boson game maybe I would have considered it. Ok maybe not , I literally hate numbers so Physics might be taking it to the extreme.

Ok back to the Higgs Boson, I keep calling it the Higgins Boson maybe because that sounds closer to Huggies which I am very familiar with by the way. Wikipedia says it is an elementary particle (silence, then sound of crickets) that is exactly what is going on in my head right now. I might actually never get to understand what this is all about but I will keep looking out for the simplest explanation out there. I also need to understand why it’s called the God particle?

Anyway moving right along to another discovery… Frank Ocean’s sexuality, honestly I don’t know any Frank Ocean songs to me that means he doesn’t matter. But then again these days many of these wannabe singers don’t matter. This bags the question though how do I feel about homosexuality? I will pray for Frank Ocean that the will of God prevails in his life and that’s all I gotta say about that.

So just chill til the next “discovery”

Hi Adele,

You don’t know me but I heard that your pregnant and about to pop really soon. 

Congratulations.

We have so much in common.

Well, I know that your career is based on your unique life experiences like when you were deliriously in love and you made that up-beat, happy dance music album of yours.

Then three years later he had ripped your heart out, chucked it on the floor, urinated on it, then danced a little jig, right on top of it before you picked it up, dusted it off and shoved it back inside its cavity again, and found the courage to pen the award-winning album ‘21’

But I digress…

Anyway, I am assuming your next album will be called 9 (months) and song after song will be dedicated to that lucky baby of yours?

Here are some ideas of universal mom topics for songs on your next album:

Why do the designers of baby clothes hate moms?

We only have two hands, one to hold baby and one to clean and dress them with. What is up with the ridiculous buttons and rivets on baby clothes? They put them in the weirdest places, we can hardly get a grip, no father knows how to use them and this doesn’t make our lives any easier.

We breastfeed, our kids need to eat, get over it!

Yes Adele, you will discover that even in the futuristic 2012, this is still a taboo topic and the earth moms still get stared at and made to feel awkward when all we want to do is feed and bond in peace. Will the judgment ever end?

Diaper manufacturers are spiteful

The brand I use comes in packs of 23. What is that? Hardly a dozen, just short of two dozen. My baby uses five diapers a day, that means that if I fail to plan ahead the fifth day always has an awkward-last-diaper-run-to-the-store-in-a-panic moment for me. That means that even if my baby used one diaper a day the number of diapers in a pack wouldn’t cover a one month supply. Whose idea was this? This is annoying.

Toys are noisy and strike when you least expect it

My baby has been bonding heavily with his 1-2-3 Talkin’ Bear, cute…. Only problem is, the bear doesn’t switch off automatically and I fall for its dormant trick at least twice daily. Picture the scenario, a 30 – 45 minute long wrestle, tug and hug manouvre to get my angel to sleep and then he goes down, never without a fight only to be woken minutes into his sleep when I (a) attempt to move said bear out of the way so my baby can sleep or (b) when my foot unwittingly connects with said bear as I tip toe out of the room. Am I to assume that friends who buy your kids toys that make a noise are not your friends?

Adult conversation becomes hard

Right now I get the glazed over expression when I get into any conversation that doesn’t include Dora the Explorer or the phonetic pronunciation involved in trying to coax out that first word. If you can settle for me trying to make you laugh or at least smile when I make a sound or funny facial expression, we can be friends. 

30 minutes in the park is the equivalent of a single person’s month long holiday in Mexico

Trust me on this one…. Bonus if you get baby to sleep while you’re there because then you can sit in peace and quiet (temporarily) and snicker at the other moms chasing around after their unruly spawn. You will learn to appreciate these moment.

So there you have it Adele, a head-start for the hits on your mommy album.

Get cracking.

Write now, before your baby gets here. 

Unlike the luxury of three years between your love album and your heart-break album, baby will consume your sleeping and waking hours to the point that you take fake toilet breaks just to get some ME TIME…

Listen to my advice, Mommy Themes are universal, if you stick to the themes I’ve provided you’ll have another eight Grammy’s before baby can even say Mama!

Dear Katie,

I believe in love.

I believe that it has no shape, form or standard mould and I believe that everyone is entitled to love.

What I don’t believe in is Hollywood love…

You know, the type of love that has a man, twice divorced, interview prospective candidates for the title of his next wife.

The type where said same man, romances you at a dizzying speed for 12 months, including crazy bike rides through Europe, proposals atop the Eiffel Tour and jumping around like a lunatic on Oprah Winfrey’s couch (because nothing says I Love You, quite like a couch jump )

They type of love that sees you pregnant in record time, followed by your silent, repressed Scientologist-like labour a dream wedding on a Tuscan hilltop followed by exclusive pics of your perfect new family on the cover of every major publication worldwide.

These have indeed been the craziest six years of your life, right?

Why did you do it?

While you seem to have gained the world in this brief but ‘exciting’ period, you also seem to have lost some stuff along the way.

I first heard of you in the late 90’s when you played the girl-next-door so convincingly in that tv show which was so anthemic of our shared youth.

There was a wide-eyed wonder about you that I admired and envied.

I wanted to be you.

But then you met him.

None of us saw it coming and I for one never believed the smoke and mirrors for one second.

The only way to describe what you have become is awkward, stiff, uncomfortable and jaded.

I watched you with your child, you were going through the motions, you never seemed ‘present’ and you never showed your fun face for the  longest time. You seem to have come to your senses and not a minute too soon.

Why did you do it?

Well where do I even start with this one….. According to the internet research (of course where else can one research these days) I have done. The Origin of the name Penelope:

Derived from the Greek word Pēnelopē, a name bornee in Greek mythology by Odysseus’ wife, who, for twenty years, patiently awaited his return. The etymology of the name is debated. Some believe it is derived from the Greek penelops (a kind of duck), since Penelope was said to have been exposed to die as an infant and was fed and protected by a duck. Others think it might be derived from pēnē (thread on a bobbin) and give it the definition “weaver, worker of the loom,” for Penelope spent evenings weaving and unweaving while she waited for her husband to return.

www.babywizard.com (lest I be accused of plagiarism)

So as to why Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick would give their child that name is beyond me, all their wishing on their child is death and a future husband who might not return.

As for Scotland, it must have something to do with Andy Murray being in the Wimbledon men’s final. Geez, people actually take these things way too seriously! Why they decided to take such a huge risk considering PSD was born at 4:18am and Andy played at 2pm I have no idea. They should have waited a tad to see how the match would progress. They should have let their publicists hold on to the announcement until the end of the match I am pretty sure Scotland would have a different name.

Do Scotland’s parent’s even know where Scotland is or how cold, wet and miserable that country is?